Years ago, when I was in a most tumultuous and unhealthy relationship, I was emotionally shaky and cried a lot.  I discovered that it was, to a high degree, painful to remove myself from a painful situation.

To forsake the pain by removal, I adhered to the pain by remaining.  Both were equally painful, but to tear apart from was mortifying.  It is equal to two items glued together.   They are no longer two separate items, but one item altogether.  When you finally separate the items, there will be inevitable damage – not to the glue, but to the items.

Damaged.  That was I when I come wholly unloose.  Damaged.

During the years in this singed relationship, it got to a point where I was forbidden to cry.  Tears would begin to well up, and he would put his finger over my lips (not my eyes) and say, “You are not doing that!”  Immediately, I felt like a child whose parent would curse them with evil words that pierced the heart, or spank them with a rod and then tell the child, knowing that it hurts, “You betta not cry!”

Equally, I and child were told not to cry – not to show the proper response to the inflicted pain.  Later on, I understood that it wasn’t about the tears.  They didn’t want to hear the sound (cry) of their low-spirit emanating through us.  This is why he put his finger over my lips and not my eyes.  Selah!

Through many years of recovery, I noticed that I (in a lot of situations) would withhold my tears.  Ultimately, forbidding them to flow had produced warlike anger.  Many nights I would lay down with anger, and wake up with angrier.  Hiding from my tears, not wanting to see myself when I was hurting, some days, I would go to the restroom and keep the lights off while I cry.  I was a crestfallen Angela.

Today, I was on a prayer call with Kimberly Ray-Gavin, and a young man started praying for millennials.  He was praying concerning the spirit of rebellion, disobedience, lack of wisdom, etc. that is riding the backs of millennials.   For weeks, now, I’d been praying on the same topics.  Praying that my household comes together, stay together, and forsake division.

As he prayed, that old spirit that had forbidden me to cry swept over me.  I was the only one in the living area, and I self-consciously held my head down, hid my face because I was in pain, and wept.  I didn’t want anyone to walk in the area and possibly see me crying.

As I wept, the inner part of my right eyelid began to burn.  

I do not readily recall scratching the inner part of my eye, but I’d wipe my tears and cry some more.  Each time, I’d let my tears rest there a while and let the sting embrace them.  I’d let them to do what they are purposed to do – detoxify and heal.

With this, I understand that tears are a powerful antidote of emotional pain.  Not only did it physically cleanse the cut on my inner eyelid, but it was a good ole’ fashioned purging to the soul.  My tears keep my mind unlocked to give and receive Pure Divine Love.  They assassinate anger and rehabilitates the principle of life.

#iChoose to keep on crying.  #iChoose to not hide from my lamenting.  Forbidden Tears are Flowing Again.

© 2020 Angela M. Smith